Contentment and Goals

I've always been a goal-oriented person: from college to diets, I've always felt best about myself and my worth as a person when I'm actively knocking things off of my bucket list. This has been true for small things, too - grocery lists and schedules make me feel good. There was a point in college where I would actually map out each hour of my day, and actually complete those tasks. With every checkmark, I felt my sense of accomplishment building. Every list completed gave me a sense of worth: I was doing something with my life. I was successful. 

Don't get me wrong - lists are wonderful things. Goals are beautiful. But I got to a point where I felt trapped in my organization, and deeply let down whenever I couldn't complete my list for the day. As life slowed down and free time was more abundant, I found myself lost. Running back to old habits, I tried to make lists of things I loved to do: reading, painting, knitting, writing letters to my family... but found myself feeling inauthentic. What if I didn't want to paint today? What if my happiness for the day would be better expressed through baking? When I made these more authentic decisions, I still found myself feeling down! Ridiculous as it sounds, I still measured my worth by the amount of things I completed on my list... whether it made sense or not. 

Letting go of my lists has been... a process for me. I thought it was some superficial habit that I just needed to break, but as I worked through it, realized it was my need for achievement, false or not, to feel good about myself. 

Today I opened my planner for the first time in two weeks. For once, I did not feel a rush of guilt for the things I didn't plan. I didn't wonder if I was wasting my life away with all of the goals I haven't completed. The past two weeks have been wonderful, exciting, productive, fulfilling... all without lists. I've had exams, dinner dates, rehearsals, meetings with professors, work, yoga sessions, grocery store trips, deadlines for homework... and I've completed it all, with no help from my planner or my beloved lists. 

I feel centered. I am fulfilled. This is progress. 

Always with love, 
Brooke

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