Emotional Manipulation

Happy Saturday morning, my lovelies! I hope it is perfect and golden and shining with opportunities. 

I want to touch on a topic today that I'm still figuring out within myself and my relationships (namely: my romantic relationships). I try my best to be my best for my partner, and I know that he does the same for me, but I notice, at times, the ways in which I am not my best. The ways in which unconscious habits take over and try to twist situations to get what I really want out of him. Instead of, you know, openly asking for what I need like a grown-ass adult. 

Like I mentioned, I'm still working on this, so my views aren't fully formed. But I'm going to try anyway. 

I have noticed that I may emotionally manipulate my partner into getting what I want. 

It sounds drastic to put it that way, and he may not even see it that way, but I can see the monster that lies behind the immature emotions. For example, if I want him to come stay with me for a night, I won't ask for this directly, but think that I'm implying it by asking what he wants to do... and then proceed to get upset when I don't get what I want. 

This "upset" feeling is usually expressed very subtly for me: through not talking as much or not smiling as much, or through passive-aggressive texts disguised as sweet, I-miss-you messages. 

So, wow. This is confusing to me already. And I will add again, I don't think he even notices these subtle changes in my mood and texting, they are that passive. But the energy is there, and it is yucky. 

The root of this poisonous attitude is believing that my partner should intuit my wants and needs, and if he doesn't, I should punish him with a negative attitude, or a lack of emotional connection. 

This is completely, utterly WACKO and I am shocked that I engage in this behavior. Aren't I an emotionally-intelligent, loving, compassionate lover? Don't I want what's best for him, best for our relationship? Don't I preach independence above all in relationships? Don't I preach against all of this manipulative bullshit?

Yes. Yes I do. And that's why it's so important that I recognize these habits I have, small or no, and get them the f*ck out. 

The first step to solving this is to be aware of it, so I'm off to a start, at least. The next step is to... stop? Ask for what I want directly, and don't get upset if I don't get it, because my partner is an independent human that can make his own decisions. I want him to do what's best for him, always. Even if that would mean leaving me, in the extreme. I want happiness for everyone, always. Thinking that there are times when my subconscious believes my happiness comes above another's is laughable. Calm down, immature emotions! 

This is interesting to me, and I think true for a lot of people: when in a deep relationship, we tend to fall back on habits we developed at around age 5. Emotionally, we are children again. Just as vulnerable, just as immature, just as amazed. It is through the understanding of ourselves and our pain that we can overcome our childhood wounds. 

Child-like Brookie is still worried that others don't actually like her, don't want to be her friend, don't want to spend time with her, and would rather make fun of her and rip the heads off of her Barbie dolls and push her down the stairs (true story). It sounds silly to voice our child-like fears to the world, but when we recognize them, then we can realize that we are adults now. It's okay to still feel this fear, but it's not okay to lash out at those we love, hoping they will somehow heal our pain. We can heal our own pain. We can be there for ourselves.   

Whew. I'm glad I wrote about this today. I think working through this pain will take a lifetime (it always does) but acknowledging it feels like a step forward. 

Always learning, always growing. 

Sending out love to you all, 

Brooke

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